The Little Things

This morning was a busy rushed start to the day. I have had a bunch of things dumped into my todo list that weren’t there when I initially planned my week. Yet in the midst of my scrambling around I was treated to an amusing little ditty by Skye that went something like this:

“moo moo moo moo cow. moo moo moo moo cow. ee-yi ee-yi-oh.”

Let’s just say that I’ve seen some interesting things done with pee since Hunter has come to live with us… without getting into too much detail I’ll just say that things have developed in such a way that Hunter must be reminded to use the bathroom every couple hours. I have set the alarm on my cell phone to remind me to remind him. I can tell she’s been paying attention because this afternoon when my cell phone rang Skye announced “GO POTTY HUNTEW!”

During her bath this evening Skye was acutely fascinated by a stupid little song I was singing that most people would have probably taken for granted. For some reason I always feel compelled to sing Splish Splash (I Was Taking A Bath); I have no idea why. It makes me smile when I think back on her expression. I can’t get it out of my head, her big brown eyes wide with wonder as if she was watching a magical fairy turn a nasty green bean into a really big sippy cup of “chockett miwk” (her very favorite beverage).

When Love Isn’t Enough

When we adopted our son last year, I was so ignorant. I didn’t understand anything about myself or him. I was so obtuse that I think I’m only beginning to scratch the surface of a complex little thing called attachment disorder. I was naive enough to think that the state could take a boy from his mother (albeit a dangerous, neglectful one), plop him down into a new family and that he would feel all warm and fuzzy about it. What was I thinking? Oh sure, he says he loves it here. But the one thing I do know for sure is that he’s routinely insincere especially when he says he likes something.

So I’m learning. I’m learning that my boy who I love so much has been traumatized, thankfully not by me. I’m learning that his birth family and early experiences have taught him that he can’t trust adults. I’m learning that he doesn’t entirely trust me; even with something as simple as the truth. I’m learning how painful it is to be vague about whether or not he loves me back. I’m learning a lot about myself as well.

The natural emotional feelings of love that most of us feel is not enough because relationships are reciprocal and in the case of my son and I, I’m receiving little in return. Me just having those feelings isn’t giving him what he needs to teach him that he is secure enough and safe enough to get attached and love me back. I often get the impression that to him our home and family are just a place to stay for now; until we all discover how worthless he is and send him away. He’s waiting with baited breath to be rejected and this cuts me deeply. My love doesn’t begin to heal that and I’m trying so hard to figure out what will.

It’s exhausting, and discouraging, and stressful, but it’s part of our adoption journey. I know there are resources that are just out of reach. It’s going to be hard and I think I’m going to need help getting to the resources, some chocolate, and maybe a hug to keep up my strength. Oh, and some prayers too if you don’t mind?

Adoption Day!

Today we were finally able to finalize Hunter’s adoption. What a wonderful experience. We don’t have very many pictures, but there are a few. I feel relieved to be finished with the uncertainty, joyful to be privileged enough to have Hunter join our family and thankful to Heavenly father for blessing our family and paving the way for our wonderful boy to find his way to our home.

We have the coolest son!

My Babies

Sometimes all I have is photos or videos. I hope no one hates me for not writing as much lately. I have a few stories in the cue, but not time to type them up. Today we went to a park and took some photos too. Here are a couple of them.

Moment Marker

Skye walked all by herself today.

What’s In A Name?

There are a specific set of milestones each new parent watches for as their infant transitions into toddler-hood. There is crawling, pointing, chewing, walking, and even speaking. By the age of twelve months a burgeoning toddler is expected to have approximately 3 words in her repertoire. For awhile it seemed like our little Skye was exploding with new words like “daddy,” “mommy,” “uh-oh,” “kitty,” and “no!” But then it became apparent that some of these words may have been mostly wishful thinking on our part. Don’t get me wrong, we really heard them, but some of them turned out to be one hit wonders and they fizzled into oblivion; vanishing completely.

When Skye started saying “uh-oh” every time she unintentionally, or, et-hem intentionally dropped something it was a revelation to me that I say “uh-oh” much too often. When Skye started pointing at things, it was always to show us the “kitties.” It didn’t stop there though; she pointed at the clock and called it “kitty,” she pointed at the plant and called it “kitty,” and she pointed at the picture of one of the cats that I have hanging on the closet door in my office and said “kitty.”

Naturally, I was very excited to see that she recognized a photo of Dora the cat. It was based on this observation that I decided to try a little game. If she recognized the picture of the cat maybe she’d recognize the photos of herself, Hunter and Daddy as well. So I began asking her “where’s the kitty?” and she would point to Dora’s picture and proudly say “kitty.”

“Where is Skye?” sure enough she pointed to her own picture. Then I asked “where is daddy?” She hesitated for a few seconds then tried to rip the photo of daddy off the door. That’s close enough, right? She even seemed to know which picture was Hunter’s. Yay!

Now here’s the thing, although most of us won’t admit it there’s an unspoken competition between us moms and dads to be the first to hear that golden word; either “mommy” or “daddy,” respectively. So I’ve been vigilantly repeating “mommy” and “mama” over and over again in the hopes that I would be victorious and claim the implicit honor (of these most important bragging rights). This is why I was totally thwarted when Skye called out “daddy! daddy! daddy!” before uttering the word “mommy.” This is also why I was heartened when she said “mama” only a few days later. And this is why I was eventually disillusioned when “mama” disappeared altogether. Dang.

Then one morning Skye and I were going about our ordinary routine as we do every morning. Yet this morning was different, because as I commenced the changing of the diaper ceremony she looked up at me with big brown eyes, smiled, and said… drumroll… “daddy.”

I laughed, then told her “Wait a minute here. I’m not your daddy. I get that I lost the race, but I’m your mommy, M-O-M-M-Y” I made sure to open my mouth really wide and pronounce the word very clearly. “got that?”

“Daddy,” she replied.

It was useless arguing with a thirteen month old. She’s got the names of three things down very firmly and she’s not going to budge on them. What’s in a name? I’ll tell you the answer, Everything! I hope she starts calling me the right name soon. This whole name mix up could get embarrassing in a few years.

My Second Digital Scrapbook Page

Tadah! I guess this means that I’m making good time. Woot! Two months later and finally I pumped this puppy out. I must say I really enjoyed putting it together. There’s something very alluring about pink and red. It’s like girly and fresh all at the same time. The theme for Skye’s 1st birthday party was Strawberry Shortcake, mostly because I’m partial to her and not so much because Skye has any particular feelings about the girl named after sweet fruity bakery item. Maybe next year she’ll be old enough to request a character theme on her own.

Shortcake it’s safe/good for diabetics, right?

My First Digital Scrapbook Page

For a long time I was convinced that the tactile nature of cut and paste scrap booking was the only way to go. It is part of the charm. Having all those lumps and bumps and fingerprint smudges just make the craft more appealing.

Then came the moment that was inevitable. At the suggestion of a friend I poked my head out from under my cozy little rock and decided to embrace the computer age; and you know what? I loved it. It is so quick. I finished my first page in only a couple of hours. There’s no massive chaotic mess to clean up afterward. There is no worrying about little babies getting into everything. And by “getting into” I mean total and utter devastation by slobbery gum teeth and tongue. But probably the best part is that there are copies! I can print and send copies to interested family members without having to spend hours and extra effort to make the same layout multiple times. When the kids are adults, I can send them along with their own copies. There’s no storage. I can make backups and know things are safe in case of hard drive failure or a fire, and from a frugality standpoint it’s enormously cheaper.

Go me!

Skye’s birthday party is going to be this Saturday, I’ve already got the page planned.